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Church Humor It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads; $10,000.00 a minute. Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he visits churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, and other places, he finds more phones with the same sign. From each pastor he receives the same answer. Finally, he arrives in the northeast part of the U.S. Upon entering a church, low and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign reads; "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he speaks to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies; "Son, you're in Maine now. It's a local call." The pastor of our church hates to plead for money. But when the coffers were running low, she had no choice. "There's good news and there's bad news," she told the congregation. "The good news is that we have more than enough money for all the current and future needs of the church. The bad news is, it's still in your pockets." Adam returned home late one night, and Eve confronted him at the door. "you're seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused. Don't be silly," he replied. "You're the only women on earth." Later, while half-asleep, Adam felt a tickle on his chest. "What are you doing?" he asked Eve. "Counting your ribs." Church Bulletin Bloopers... The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The pastor will preach his
farewell message, after which the choir A songfest was hell at the Congregational church Wednesday. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any
member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. The Permanent Organist The minister was preoccupied
with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and
a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice
as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge
$100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist
played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist
became the permanent organist. DEAR PASTOR (letters from the kids) Dear Pastor, I know God loves
everybody but He never met my sister. Dear Pastor, Please say in
your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter
Peterson. Dear Pastor, My father should
be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't
leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in
my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Dear Pastor, My mother is
very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has
a cold. Dear Pastor, I would like
to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Dear Pastor, I think a lot
more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Dear Pastor, I liked your
sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I
still want a raise in my allowance. Dear Pastor, Please pray for
all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Dear Pastor, I hope to go
to heaven some day but later than sooner. Dear Pastor, Please say a
prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank
you. Dear Pastor, My father says
I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because
we have enough rules already in my house. Dear Pastor, Who does God
pray to? Is there a God for God? Dear Pastor, Are there any
devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God
know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read
about it in the newspapers? __________________________________________________________________ Dear Lord, The Atheist Teacher A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Christian." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist." |